Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
