what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
