a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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