dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
