wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
