meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
