The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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