I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
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They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
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How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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