i need an iv and a liver transplant
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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