me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
