she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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