i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
