I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
