do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
