Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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