i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
