fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
