The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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