is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
