guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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