If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
