I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
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