If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
