new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I have post one night stand depression
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