I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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