This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
