Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
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