you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
