My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
