Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Randomize
