i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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