So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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