the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
