I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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