We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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