Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
