I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Randomize
