And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
