She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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