I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
