why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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