no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
