I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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