I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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