Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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