hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
