did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
