Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
