even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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