so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Randomize