As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Randomize
