I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
