I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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