Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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