Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
