How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
