walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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