i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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