just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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