I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
