I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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