we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
