i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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