You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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